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Trial Lawyers Promise Not to Sue as America Opens Up

Updated: May 19, 2020

The Trial Lawyer Association of the United States (TLAUS) formally announced today they would not sue any business, school or charitable organization that opens following the pandemic shutdown. The announcement said, “We encourage all private businesses, schools and charities to open their doors and allow Americans to go back to their jobs and school. It is time to get America working again.” The announcement went on to say, “we promise not to bring legal action against any entity related to COVID-19 transmission or exposure, we pinky swear.”


That was good news to the Better Business Bureau. Spokesperson for the BBB, John Heimlich, said, “It is great to see our trial lawyers partnering with actual productive members of society to get the American economic engine roaring.” Heartland News interviewed several small business owners who were a bit more reserved. Amy Strong, owner of Healthy Tan and Day Spa, located in Memphis, TN said, “I am encouraged by the news, but the announcement did not go far enough. I expected a double pinky swear”. Jarod Reigal, owner of Tim’s Bar and Grill in Osage Beach, Mo seemed downright negative commenting, “I have seen these promises before, just last year they made a promise not to sue and it turned out they had their fingers crossed behind their back. The lawyer turned around and took a couple hundred bucks on a slip and fall case.”


Karen Crosswise, spokesperson for the TLAUS said, “I understand the public’s apprehension given our track record. However, think of it this way: our plate is full with lawsuits on baby powder, weed killers, heartburn medication, body implants, opioids, sexual harassment claims and literally thousands of automobile and motorcycle accidents. Not to mention the myriad of Democratic fundraisers we attend each year. America can be reassured that we rarely think about the opportunities associated with COVID.” When asked to go on the record with a double pinky swear, she turned demonstratively stern and said, “that’s ridiculous, you either trust us or you don’t”.


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