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State Deathmatch: California vs. Florida


Many suggest California has become the laughingstock of the United States and their governor, Barbie’s Ken, we mean Gavin Newsom did not help things recently. In his bid to remain the overrated governor of California we discovered he actually ran re-election ads in the state of Florida. Heartland News investigated this unique approach and discovered that Florida and California are competing in a new entertainment program called State Deathmatch.


State Deathmatch is a takeoff of a MTV Claymation series, Celebrity Deathmatch that premiered in 1998 and ran for four years. A parody of sports entertainment programs, Celebrity Deathmatch depicted various celebrities engaging in highly stylized professional wrestling matches. Some classics included Kathie Lee Gifford vs. Howard Stern and Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan. Mr. Stern finally winning his match when his fart melted Ms. Gifford while Ms. Duff bested Ms. Lohan by snapping off her arms and legs.


The state deathmatch is heating up between California and Florida. In his reelection ad, Mr. Newsom talks about the loss of freedom in Florida and pleads with ex-Californians to return to the golden state. We asked California resident and semi pro skateboarder, Jacko DeMint about Florida. He said while he was finishing a cannabis vape “Florida is nothing but old people man. I mean it is God’s waiting room. That’s where people go to die.” A direct hit delivered by Jacko.


In a counterpunch, Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis said “When families are uprooting from the Pacific Coast to go almost 3,000 miles in search of a better life, that’s telling you something.” Bea Allthat, retired longtime Florida resident said while waiting for a table at a crowded Cracker Barrel “we may be in God’s waiting room, but we like where we are heading. Californians are in the HOV lane to hell. Their idea of a church service is their 30-minute meditation waiting in the drive through lane at Starbucks or hunting for crystals while on mushrooms”. Score one for the sunshine state.


Hector Haughwit, Los Angeles resident was quick to respond. We caught up with him while sitting in an Interstate 405 traffic jam at 3 AM last Sunday. He said “give me a break. Florida is the only state that sells more car booster seats to adults than kids. Drivers in Florida have their autobody shops on speed dial. I mean the only thing that takes longer than a repair estimate for a fender bender is the line for a senior coffee at McDonalds.” Score a direct blow for California.


Not to be outdone, Jeremy Koloscpy said California’s idea of saving water is to poop on the streets and burn down their forests. Their cities have turned into trash heaps. The few residents that are left in San Fran sicko no longer fear the big one but hope for it every day.” A glancing blow but perfectly set up the final kill.


Ron DeSantis said “Some of the best weather in the world in southern California, they have some of the best natural advantages – probably the best natural advantages of any state in this country… And, for the entire history of California, they never lost population until this recent governor got into office … And now they’re hemorrhaging population. It’s almost hard to drive people out of a place like California, given all their natural advantages”. Ms. Allthat added “maybe they should concentrate on educating their citizens. The don’t know proper pronoun usage, what a woman is and worst of all their two best sports colleges have left the Pac 12 for the Big 10.


Florida 1, California nothing.


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