HeartlandNews.net announced today that they have lifted the company mask mandate and rules surrounding social distancing. In a prepared statement Chief Nonsense Officer Dean Erlandson said, “We are following the growing number of states and municipalities that have lifted pandemic requirements. We feel that our employees and customers are in the best position to decide how to individually address COVID concerns.”
Rumors from inside the company suggests that not all employees are happy with the decision. A company survey was conducted by Research Fellow, Patrick Gahagan showing some interesting findings:
The sales and marketing departments had been skirting the rules for quite some time.
Employees felt that conducting business without masks made for a friendlier and more productive working environment.
The human resources, public relations and legal departments voiced continued concern about lifting the mandates.
The west coast headquarters located in Hawaii was slightly in favor of mandates while the Missouri division was overwhelmingly open to less restrictions.
Research and finance departments said they were following the latest science and were leaning toward opening up and reducing top-down requirements.
We asked Mr. Erlandson about the findings and he was characteristically honest with his thoughts:
“I was not surprised with Sales and Marketing not following the requirements. They usually follow their own set of rules.”
“There is a reason that HR, PR and legal don’t run the company. They are highly risk adverse. We value their input but if it was up to them, we would be in diversity and inclusion training all day instead of making money. I am also tired of public relations always looking for ways for the company to virtue signal. There is enough of that already in corporate America.”
“The difference between Hawaii and Missouri is understandable. State and local governments that scare people into submission will result in different behavior. Hawaii and Missouri could not be more different on how they dealt with the pandemic.”
“Several of our research analysts called out several facts that weighed in our decision:
Over 1200 doctors and most politicians did not denounce the protests that occurred during the summer of 2020 despite few masks and lots of close contact. If they can protest, we can go to work.”
“Incidence of Covid was similar between states locked down and those not.”
Death rates and incidence of disease has dropped considerably over the last few months.”
“Vaccine adoption is helping to achieve herd immunity.”
HeartlandNews.net has made it clear that each employee should do what they feel is most comfortable for them and in-line with their personal situation. “Those employees above 65 and/or are obese or have other co-morbidities should exercise caution and be careful,” said Mr. Erlandson. “We have also asked the employees who are at greater risk or feel uncomfortable to wear a yellow arm band that we are providing. That way others can keep their distance.”
Rumors suggest that many have nicknamed the arm bands “scaredy bands” implying those that wear them are afraid. Mr. Erlandson said that is untrue and “once we are out of yellow bands, we will change them to scarlet red. Yellow was a bad choice.”
He concluded by saying, “I find most of our employees are less afraid of dying then they are of not living.”
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