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Hawaii Launches New Pandemic Restrictions


Despite having the most stringent travel and quarantine restrictions, the state of Hawaii continues to see an increase in COVID cases. To fight this hidden enemy Governor Ige and his health department have announced additional policies to keep Hawaiians safe. It is called “15 Years to Stop The Spread.” Ige said, “We must stop the spread of this deadly virus at all costs. Hawaii has seen over 5000 cases with 40 deaths. That represents .0009 of all cases in the United States.” The new policies include a simple acronym that will help people remember, TITS:

  • No Talking – COVID is spread through droplets when people open their mouths. The state will institute a no talking rule and people will be asked to write down or sign all communications going forward.

  • No Intimate relations – It is obvious that COVID can be spread through sex so citizens will be asked to not have any intimate relations until the virus is eradicated. To encourage compliance tax breaks will be provided to residents that allow cameras and chastity belts in their homes.

  • No Touching – COVID can last up to 48 hours on surfaces so everyone will be asked to wear disposable gloves for all activities.

  • No Swearing – These new restrictions will be frustrating at first so remember to be kind to one another. Swearing in any form will not be tolerated except for using God’s name in vain. The state must maintain separation of church and state.

The police along with city, state and education officials will be responsible for maintaining the new policies. However, Governor Ige said, “We encourage all Hawaiians to get involved. If you see something, say something and turn in the offenders.” Punishment for breaking any aspect of the TITS will range from a small fine to incarceration. Repeat offenders will be marked with a 666 on their foreheads and banished to the island of Molokai to live out the remainder of their lives.

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