First Conservative Autonomous Zone Established in Kansas

An unlikely town in central Kansas claims to be the first conservative autonomous zone in the country. Mayor of Hayes, KS Tony Howard said, “We looked at what the crazy leftists were doing in Seattle and said ‘If they can do it why can’t we?’ We just set up check points at the two exits off I-70 and were good to go.” The complete constitution has not been adopted yet by residents, but according to assistant mayor Robin Austing, “It will follow closely the constitution of the United States as it was written and amended.” The following items have been called for:

  • No classification of race. All are created equal. Austing added, “Otherwise it gets kinda confusing. How do you classify someone who is Black and Native American or Japanese and Hispanic? Best to just follow a long-forgotten adage, ‘Judge people by the content of their character rather than by the color of their skin.’”

  • Two sexes, two genders. A simple blood test will be done that classifies men and women. Men will use men’s facilities and women will use women’s. Boys will play on boys’ teams, girls will play on girls’ team unless coed. Mr. Howard commented, “We don’t really care what people call themselves or how they dress. We just expect them to follow proven biological science when out in public.”

  • One vote in person. Ms. Austing said, “We believe people should at least exert minimal effort to vote. Come to the polling place, show your id and vote once. Easy, simple and for those too lazy or uninvolved, we don’t really want them to vote any way.”

  • Names of people will be removed from all buildings, streets and other public facilities. School superintendent Steve Johnson remarked, “Each generation tends to treat some leaders as deity only to be scorned later. We only had to change one name from our middle school. ‘Barrack Obama’ was changed to ‘Hayes East.’ We were afraid the children would be made fun of later in life.”

  • Ft. Hayes State University will be renamed Ft. Hayes University for the Employed. English, Humanities, Journalism, Art, Philosophy, Political Science, Ethnic Studies, Gender Studies, Music and Theatre majors will be discontinued. Only majors where you can get a real job that will afford students to move out on their own will be offered.

  • Unions, co-ops, communes and other socialist organizations will be outlawed. History has proven that this system does not work so why waste time and resources to pursue a false utopia.

Mr. Howard said, “We are asking all socialists, communists, drug and alcohol addicts to leave Hayes. They can join their fellow comrades at plenty of great places including Denver, Co. only 5 hours from here.” Mr. Johnson commented, “We were not sure how many people would leave Hayes. It turned out 17 left. Ten had been dead for years but had voted democrat in the last election, four were college professors who were worried they could not compete in a merit-based system, one teachers’ union representative, and two who said they could not participate in a ‘capitalist infected system of injustice,’ whatever that means.

Kansas Democrat Governor Kelly said, “This insurrection must be stopped at all costs.” She called on state troopers to “put down this revolt at once.” However, no law enforcement has responded. Forty-two-year veteran state trooper Jermaine Brown said, “Everyone for the most part seems to be happy and going on with their productive lives. I see no reason to interrupt them. Besides, it reminds me of the small town where I grew up in Missouri.”

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