Critics Give Minneapolis Riots Only 1½ Stars (Satire)

Riot critics seem to have universally given the Minneapolis riots low grades. Dan Stifter, long time riot critic from southwest Los Angeles said, “the Minneapolis riots lacked imagination and quality. The acting was just mediocre and the underlying plot tired and overused. I can only give it 1½ stars.” One bright spot Mr. Stifter did mention was, “the duration of the riots allowed for the news media to foster a narrative and promote falsehoods that were able to be perpetuated around the country. It was great to see virtue signaling from the usual sources such as Hollywood, music artists, corporations, colleges and dignitaries of the outrage culture.”

Ed Simon, riot critic from Detroit Michigan said, “it really was a disappointment. It had all the makings of a great riot.” He pointed out many flaws, but can be summarized in his following points:

  • The mayor and governor were not believable characters. They seemed to be on the side of the rioters. Government leaders who protect their citizens and property are a prerequisite to a good riot. You need to see some force, not encouragement and weakness.

  • The burning of a police headquarters was a clear tip-off that this riot was going nowhere. No American police department would ever allow this to happen. Our heroes run toward the emergency, not away from it. Strong police leadership would never allow this.

  • Antifa and other outside agitators were unconvincing. Maybe because of travel problems or lack of budget provided by Soros, they did not recruit the A-team from Berkeley and Portland. They used local talent and it showed.

  • A Target store was the focal point. Nothing against Target, but a top-notch riot would focus on upscale car dealerships, jewelry stores, banks and high-end apartment complexes.

  • Peaceful protests with a thought-provoking message blurred the underlying plot for the riots. Much the same way as other mediocre riots seen in Baltimore and Ferguson.

On the positive side, Minnesotans have rallied around the devastation and aid is pouring in to help the people and businesses impacted by the lawlessness. Despite the critics panning the Minneapolis performance, some were inspired to attempt riots in other cities. Success was limited however. Organizers said, “our riots just don’t seem to capture the hearts and minds of most free-thinking Americans.”

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