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Colleges to Offer New Degrees: Intoxication and Victimization


In the heartland we are often amazed what types of study come off as a college education. We know that gender and ethnic studies offer great careers as future baristas and community organizers. We are sure the world is in need of future time share salespeople with deep knowledge in diversity and inclusion or French literature.


But one organization has worked with our institutions of higher learning to bring out the core of today’s college experience. Majors in intoxication and victimization. Brooke Fineass, President of the Council for the Exploitation and Indoctrination of Young People (CEIYP) said, “We studied today’s college experience closely and determined that what colleges are best at, they are not offering as majors. We worked to change that. This Fall you will see many intuitions offering degrees or specializations at the core of their expertise.”


Today we will review the new degree program in Intoxication:


A BS of Intoxication: This course dives deeply into the practice and social impact of intoxication. This four-to-six-year program (the length is somewhat determined by how deeply the student takes their self-study) is divided into the major areas of intoxication:

  • Alcohol. All freshman will study the various forms of alcohol. This is an intense year of study that includes both coursework and labs. Students will be encouraged to utilize their creativity by exploring the many types of alcohol and mixers. Given the need for intense study, the college will remain a sanctuary institution and no state laws regarding consumption will be enforced.

  • Marijuana. The second year will focus on the consumption and cultivation of what some believe to be the best from mother nature. All Sophomores will be provided a mentor to ensure they make it to class. Most work is done in teams as they explore the many consumption methods. It is highly recommended that students upgrade to the unlimited meal plan during this year of study.

  • Hallucinogens. As Juniors, students will explore the world of LSD, magic mushrooms Peyote and other Hallucinogens. Deep questions will be explored including: “Am I really just an avatar in someone else’s video game?” or “Is life just a simulation?’ The universal question of “What if our universe is just a tiny little atom in a much bigger world?” will be debated. Students must have completed coursework in Psychology, Political Science and Philosophy before starting third year.

  • Search for the perfect high. This capstone coursework involves the use of many of today’s best intoxicants. Each student will be encouraged to mix various forms of alcohol, marijuana, hallucinogens and new designer drugs to find their individualized perfect high. A final course in “Passing Urine and Hair Follicle Drug Tests” is mandatory for all students.

After completing the coursework and labs, students will be well prepared to go into a wide variety of careers including teaching, acting, directing, political office and union organization. For those wishing to explore their studies further, we will offer masters programs in gambling and sexual addiction. A doctorate degree is being planned that focuses on rehabilitation and 12 step programs.


Next week we will explore the degree in victimization.


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